Whether we intend it or not, at every moment, we make choices about who to spend time with. Even when we are alone, in our private moments, we choose if we will spend time with someone disagreeable, reliving an old quarrel, reopening an old wound, or whether we will spend the time with someone we actually like, like an inspiring author (reading his book), a great director (watching his movie) or a wonderful friend (reliving a warm, lovely conversation). It is these things we choose to think about on a moment by moment, daily basis that injects happiness or unhappiness into our marrow, causing the factory of our blood and spirit to churn out good or bad things. When they said that happiness lies in our own hands, they were not kidding.
I have found that for me personally, the main reason I spend time with disagreeable people in my head is because there is nothing else more interesting in my life to think about. It's sad, but true.
But that's a good wake up call though. I am reminded that I have neglected cultivating the garden of my heart, so that there is no longer anything beautiful or worthy blooming, that requires my attention and tending. The most interesting feature left in it is this big ugly thistle of a wound that I am constantly circling around, pruning and fertilizing!
And like some kind of monster plant from the Little Shop of Horrors, it grows and grows and grows the more I feed it. And when it has gained enough momentum, even when I try not to pay attention to it, it comes r for food and tries to eat me alive.
That is why big ugly , wounds need to be forgiven quickly, cut off and starved. The earlier we begin, the easier they are to deal with. That is why I always remind myself that it is not a sacrifice to forgive others, though it may feel like it. I am not doing it for them, but for myself. The garden of my heart must always be well-weeded. Only beautiful and worthy things must be allowed to live there, to draw nutrients from the soil of my emotions and to consume my attention (thought space) and my time. This takes some self-discipline in the beginning and some ruthlessness in weeding out unworthy things, but eventually, it develops a momentum of its own, and becomes much easier and the more natural thing to do.
We love people, not only for who they are, but for who we become when we are with them. In the same way, we also hate people, not just for who they are, but for who we become when we are with them. In line with that reasoning, if I can prevent myself from becoming an ugly person because of your wounding (intentional or otherwise), the amount of hatred I feel for you can also be stemmed. That means I will no longer be driven along by compulsive hatred for you. Instead, I can be free to be happy around you, and consequently kind and warm towards you.
It's funny how sin tries to propagate itself. You step on my foot (intentionally or otherwise), and I become upset and angry because of the pain. If I have no healthy way of recycling the anger out of my system, I tend to pass it on by stepping on someone else's foot (intentional or otherwise). That makes someone else angry, and it propagates the anger, passing it on like an infectious disease.
(Hey, that reminds me of vampires! "I suck your blood, and you become one of the "undead" like me". Hahaha!!!)
That is why one of the most important life skills we can have is knowing what to do when someone hurts me (intentional or otherwise). We don't want to become a throbbing hotbed of infectious pain, anger and other such life-robbing things, both for our own sake and our loved ones who will likely be the most constant victims.
We need operating systems, programs and power sources that promote love, not hatred.
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